Depression

For the last two years I have been in some sort of depression and quite plainly in denial of that fact. Three years ago I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I had a good job and just bought a condo, moving out of my parents. My plans at the time were just to continue in my current job, at the time I couldn’t imagine doing anything else, try and find someone to spend my life with, start a family and eventually move back to the country(as in not in town). Pretty simple plan right? That first year on my own went well. I was doing some really interesting things at work, going out and having fun with my friends, and paid off my car loan. Then, not realizing at the time, things started to fall apart.

Politics at work slowly started ripping apart the group of great people I was working with as well as self-destructing the organization over the two years my department when from 14 people down to 5. An finally dissolved into another department. In spring of 05 I was moved to another department and through compressing and killing off programs I was doing the job of 3 people and then in May of 06 I was let go because of “budget issues.” At the same time my friends in the area all started moving away. I went from going out every weekend and playing tennis two three time a week to sitting at home watching the boob tube night in and night out.
Something else also happen last May which I don’t really want to discuss but I am paying for it until this September and possibly longer.

I was able to acquire another job without ever being unemployed. While at the time I thought that was quite lucky and do like the job (I have been able play with a lot interesting open-source technologies), I think it would have done me some good to reevaluate what I want to do with myself. The one thing this job has done for me is clarify the fact that I don’t want to be cooped up in an office with no windows staring at a computer screen all day.

Now know that I am introvert, basically what that means I tend to internalize everything and concentrate on myself and I am a very mental person. My mind is going constantly. I am always coming up with ideas: business plans, millions of things I could do if won the lottery, how I would handle different situations, if this scenarios, all the things I could do with different new media technologies, and generally how to fix my own life. However I am also the king of procrastination. So I would come up with these grand schemes, but then see all the daily tasks that I have to do just to get to the next day and get depressed. Here is the real kicker and what I continually beat myself up about. Instead bucking up getting these minor tasks done. I watch tv or waste time online or PS2/xbox. The minor tasks pile up I procrastinate more, and progressively get more depressed. Crack for a procrastinator is the great feeling you get that odd saturday. Wake up early in the morning(I am a morning person) sun is shining in, open the windows, turn up the music, and clean the entire house from top to bottom. Wake of the next Sunday everything is clean there isn’t anything that needs done sit down to a cooked breakfast and relax. Now that is rewarding. But trying to keep it clean is monotonous.

Up until this past weekend I finally thought I knew what was wrong with me. My plan was to sell my house, quit my job, and do one of 5 or 6 ideas I had come up with for 2008, because my finances is the one thing I have been able to get right. Then start my own company in 2009. Basically bide my time until 08.

Then out of the blue, I connected with an old friend. Although we only meet up 4 times in two weeks, we were also talking on the phone and emailing. During this time my normal distractions disappeared, my house was clean, I felt good, and I was thinking clearer. This all happened so quick I probably pushed things a little too fast and as it turned out she was seeing someone else as well. That relationship started to get serious and she rightly let me know that fact. While I don’t feel any ill will toward her and hope to continue to be friends, it brought something to the foreground of my mind that I never noticed before. You don’t realize how lonely you are until that hole is filled. Then gets plucked back out. Watching Scrubs last night Zach Braff’s character, went off on the other stars about how lucky they were not to be alone and in his typical style thinking to himself talked about how humans weren’t meant to be alone. Getting ready for work today I realized I was right back where I started. Clothes were piled on my bed, unread papers on the table, dishes in the sink, and other task pushed to the limit. The denial fell away I am depressed and honestly I don’t know how I am going to handle it.

AJSPS

P.S. I am very hesitant to post this while typing it was very therapeutic. I am not very big on showing this side of myself to the world. I don’t like making excuses nor have much patients for others who do so. Though I said I don’t know how I am going to handle it, I can see the issues and things that hold me back. What I need to do to get past them; it is just actually doing it that is hard. Sometimes I think I am too smart for my own good and over think things sometimes I wish I could just jump. No one reads this anyways.

P.S.S. This is really depressing. I am normally not so, I let things go quite easily and am a very here and now type person I only get depressed when I am reminded of my situation. For instance right now I just came up from my basement office, the sun is shining and I am eating Thai Chicken Soup at Brickhouse and feeling pretty good.

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One Reply to “Depression”

  1. People read it.

    And there’s nothing wrong with admitting life gives you lemons once in awile…or is that pee in a glass? Either way, I wouldn’t want to drink it. I think you need to feel sadness and loneliness to know what true happiness is. This is coming from a girl who was divorced by 24 while only a year into her marriage. I didn’t think I’d find anyone ever again. But I did. And he’s everything I’ve always wanted. It WILL happen, probably when you least expect it. Hang in there.

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